Where did I come from and where do I belong?

Mommy and Andrew kissing Calvin

I was recently asked by a friend to post on her blog on this issue.  I thought I would also share my thoughts here. 


The issue of telling our children or being asked questions about why they were adopted is one of the most feared moments by most adoptive parents. When viewed Biblically, however, these can be some of the most endearing times with our children as we trust God more than shying away from these conversations in fear.  The underlying belief of this fear is that somehow by discussing our adopted child’s background, we will diminish our fatherhood or motherhood in their eyes. But our thinking needs to change: when we are the ones to speak without embarrassment or fear to them about these most critical life questions and walk with them through the deep waters of truth (that may be painful), we are demonstrating conclusively who we are to them--Mother and Father.  It is an opportunity for our parent-child relationship to grow deeper together, not drive us apart.

My husband and I adopted two children almost 3 years ago. They were 3 years and 5 1/2 years old when we brought them home. Our 3 yr old daughter, Kathlena, has no memory of her time in Russia outside of our stories and pictures. Our Andrew on the other hand, not only remembers us coming for him, but also his life in the orphanage. In the beginning this was very difficult for me to accept; some stories he would tell me broke my heart, as his mother, that he had to endure. It also revealed to me my unbelief and fear that somehow his past could diminish who I am to him--his mother.  There were times I did not want to hear the stories, not because they were tragic, but because they were a reminder of a time I wasn’t there and that hurt me; in a way I had to wrestle with the Lord through this hurt to accept His plan over mine.   I had to come to the place where I believed what the scriptures teach about adoption.  He is my son and nothing from his past or future will change what God has decreed.  I came to realize God's great mercy on all of us through the contrast between our children--our daughter who has no memory and our son who does. Andrew helped me to see clearly the Lord's sovereign hand of grace on his life and mine; not only that God chose for him to be adopted out of that life, but that the Lord had watched over him, protected him from conception, and still protects under our watchful care. No matter how much I love my son, Christ loves him more. It is this perspective that the Lord has used to help my husband and me to help our children understand the Lord's redemptive plan in their lives through their adoption. My favorite phrase from scripture for my son Andrew is "...But God". Since bringing Andrew home and seeing glimpses of the life he had, I cannot hear the song "Amazing Grace" without tears, thoughts and pictures forever etched in my mind of the frozen prison of hopelessness he came from...But God in His mercy chose for Andrew a different life, a different heritage with us to bring Himself glory. Through this picture I see myself; I see the Lord delivering me from the chains of sin to a different heritage of hope in Christ. How amazing and glorious is our God!

Our Kathlena began around 5 years of age to ask questions. She had heard her brother, Andrew, talk about being from Russia, which gave us a very natural opportunity to speak to her about her adoption as well. I am sure that I will never forget our first real conversation initiated by her about her adoption. It went like this.

"Mommy, Why after I was born from your tummy did you leave me in Russia?"

My response: “gasp, what?!?” Falling to my knees before her to search her eyes that she really believed this, I answered "Oh no, my sweet baby girl, Mommy did not leave you. You were born from another lady's tummy that God placed you in. The Lord purposed for you to be born in Russia, and He planned, before the foundation of the world (Ephesians 1:4), for Daddy and me to adopt you as our daughter at precisely the time we brought you home. My sweet daughter, there are many things in this life that I do not understand, why some things are the way they are, but I trust Christ and His Word more than what my eyes can see. I thank Him everyday that He gave you to me and that I get to be your mother forever." She smiled and hugged me tight and went on about her play. As time has gone on we have had many more conversations, and they are all rooted in our strong belief that the Lord sovereignly placed her and every other child in our family, whether by birth or adoption, for His glory.

Some of these conversations with both our adopted children have been difficult (more for Mommy and Daddy), but they have been very fruitful. These are opportunities to remind them that they are in our home to stay; we often remind them that "you will always be my son/daughter, and nothing you do or say will ever change that. I love you because God gave you to our family"! Through these conversations with our children that God has given to us through adoption, I have seen them grow in their security as our son and daughter. Biblical adoption means we are sons or daughters of God; brothers or sisters to Christ with all the privileges that entails-this is glorious! As believers of the great Gospel of Christ we are heirs with Him. There is no shame in our adoption in Christ--this is the great example for our children given to us through adoption. We speak boldly, with great excitement of our glorious adoption in Christ and how the earthly adoption of two of our children serves as a “3-D” picture of our own adoption in Christ. 
Are there hard realities of their past? Yes! But as believers of Christ, we must trust the Lord to give us wisdom of how much (and when) we share those realities, while at the same time always pointing to the amazing grace of our Lord to have delivered them from orphan life for His glory and their even greater need for Him to deliver them from the bondage of sin that is within all of us. Helping them as they have questions about where they came from and how they got here are great Gospel opportunities and healthy for them to grow in their security of where God has placed them now. Knowing it wasn't by chance--it wasn’t anything they did or didn't do--but by God's amazing grace is a powerful comfort and peace to them and to us. 
Some ways that we have been intentional about facilitating discussions and boldly displaying our love for adoption to our children are through tangible displays in our home, open conversations with family and friends, and supporting and encouraging other families who are adopting.  We have a large multi-picture frame filled with pictures from our first moments together as a family in Russia that is prominently displayed in our dining room next to a large scroll with the scripture of Ephesians 1:3-11 (referencing our adoption in Christ).  We celebrate that glorious day that we were united together as a family all year long.  I also made a large collage of mementos that has their plane tickets, Russian Rubles, a Russian artist’s painting of St. Basil’s, their first picture that we received of them, etc. that hangs in our entry hall.  From these displays I have overheard conversations between all of our children about how happy and exciting this time was for our family as well as questions about their adoption and life before we came for them.  Andrew has even begun to show his friends who come over and talk about it with them, which also facilitates more conversations with us about how he can respond to questions other people ask him. 

Mementos Collage

Scripture Scroll and pictures framed from our trip bringing our children home from Russia.

My husband and I often speak to prospective adoptive parents about our story openly with our children by our side.  As a family we pray regularly for families who are in the process of adoption.  When these families bring their children home, we celebrate with them by waiting at the airport with banners, tears and cheers when they pass through those long-awaited doors, having crossed the finish line of the process to life at home.  This has been one of the most exciting ways to demonstrate support in which our whole family has been involved.  In the past year and a half we have had the privilege of going to meet three families who have brought children home from China, Russia, and the Ukraine, as well as attending one domestic court hearing to finalize an adoption.  We are currently praying for two families in our church now who are in the adoption process and look forward to the day we stand and cheer at the airport and courtroom that another child has been brought home through adoption.  It is in these moments of celebration that we reinforce to our children our great joy and love for adoption, as well as reaffirming adoption as a normal part of our life.  God places children into families by birth and adoption with equal standing.  One is no greater or less of a means for a family to have children than the other.  Through intentional displays of our love for adoption, we facilitate conversations about adoption as a normal part of life.  Since adoption is something to be celebrated, discussed, and rightly understood from a Biblical perspective, we as parents (and our children!) have nothing to fear or lose by engaging in the realities of how they came to be adopted. 
But this is the catch: whether the discussions with our children about their backgrounds just happen naturally, or whether we have intentionally set the stage for questions to come up, we as parents must absolutely believe that adoption is not “second best”. Many of us longed for children, and adoption was one of the ways we received children; for some it was the only way. But either way, we are blessed in our souls to embrace the fact that adoption results in “real” children. Our children need most from us to see that we really believe that fact! They need to look into our eyes and see security, confidence in the reality of their adoption, and satisfaction that God has provided. It was God’s sovereign hand of grace that grafted them into our family, just as He has grafted those of us who are believers into His family through the sacrifice of His only son, Jesus.