Loss and Attachment

Today was the day we knew would come but have not looked forward to. We had to put our beloved bird dog, Charlie, down. A month ago we found out that he had a tumor on his heart and in his nose. The tumor came on quickly and has grown rapidly in the past month. Over the last few days it became apparent that the time had come. As the tumor on his nose has grown rapidly, spreading and disfiguring his face, we had concerns of it spreading to his brain, and we did not want to have memories of the results of that happening. We are thankful to have had 10+ yrs with Charlie and especially this past month. David tried to find a vet who would come to our house and found one, but schedules didn't work out so we decided to go ahead and take Charlie to his clinic today. Thankfully, it is close to our home-Kainer Vet Hospital . We are very grateful for the help we received from Dr. Strecker and his staff over the past month. Dr. Streker was very kind and very sensitive to our family and situation.

Losing a longtime pet is never easy, especially when you have children. It has been hardest on J.Michael, as he doesn't remember a time without Charlie. Charlie has been a wonderful companion to all of us and even Andrew and Kathlena for the past 7 months. It has been difficult to explain something as complex as tumors, death, animals dying, and how when animals die it is different than people, but it has produced good conversations for us to have as a family. For us all to talk about being good stewards of the animals under our care. To walk through loss together openly and honestly.

Charlie left us in his gentle sweet fashion, without a whimper he drifted off to sleep and was gone. Once the Vet finished he graciously left us alone and said we could have all the time we needed. After he left J.Michael hugged Charlie and sobbed, I had been in tears since this morning waiting for that heartbreaking moment. As we all sobbed and tried to comfort each other I saw Andrew watching J.Michael as tears began streaming down his cheeks. I told him it was okay to be sad and he hugged me and began to sob. His heart broke too for his brother, J.Michael, for his family and for this dog that he had only known for a little while, but had grown to love...attached to. Andrew continued to watch and pet Charlie's paw when I hear Kathlena say "Charlie Boo-Boo, nose". She has been Mommy's little helpoor in caring for Charlie this past month. I pick her up and tell her that Charlie is gone and she begins to cry and cry; she loved Charlie too. Neither her nor Andrew have responded to loss with grief in this way. The Lord gave us one final gift through Charlie...Andrew and Kathlena responding to grief and pain appropriately emotionally. To feel the sting of loving something and losing it. As part of this family our joys and triumphs as well as our pain and grief in life are shared. Earlier as we all sat waiting for the vet to come in, I was trying very hard to no avail to keep tears from continuing to leak out and run down my face; sweet Andrew reaches up without a sound and wipes away my tear...he never spoke a word or question. I remember thinking that was unusual at the time for him not to ask why or comment. Later, it all came into focus. As painful as loss is of any kind, we had a renewing today of strength to persevere, trusting the Lord to guide us through life's ups and downs, walking along the way with our children and teaching them all of these things (Deuteronomy 6).

He indeed is sovereign over all, and he uses all of His creation to glorify Himself. Often, as He did today, He uses elements of His creation to reveal something about Himself: His faithfulness, His mercy, His tenderness. As we have lost a dog we all loved, we have gained fresh insight into God's active hand in our family. He who knows when a sparrow falls can use even grief-especially grief-to remind us of truths that we often forget. "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us...For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now." (Romans 8:18, 22). Charlie's body was ravished by a nasty cancer-evidence of the groaning of all of creation because of sin. But by means of the death of a dog, our God has drawn us closer to each other and to Himself, and reminded us that all of this world is under a curse of death and is passing away. But a new creation awaits all who believe! "For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience" (Romans 8:24-25). And sometimes, because He is so good, He lets us see a little glimpse now, even before our waiting is complete.

We will miss our Charlie, but we praise the Lord for His faithfulness and graciousness towards us, teaching us and pointing us back to His word in all situations. Whether it is in the timing of when to let go of a beloved pet or patiently believing and waiting to see the fruit of attachment that adoptive parents by faith long to see in their children through it all we draw near to the Lord for the strength and wisdom to pursue His purposes.

David and J.Michael picked out Charlie's favorite spot in the yard, near the burning pile that he loved to sniff around for snakes, and critters and dug the hole together for Charlie. Chase (our other dog) also got to sniff Charlie good bye...he will miss him most of all.

Sardine Lessons

On the evening of Oct. 20, 2008, the 5 month anniversary of Andrew and Kathlena officially becoming part of our family we decided to play a game called Sardines. This fun game for all ages we learned from some friends of ours at church. We are finding out it is a favorite of many kids and adults we know.
So, we began to play and Mommy was to hide first. Oh! yes, I suppose I should explain the game first. Here is how it goes... It is sort of a reverse hide and seek. You turn all of the lights in the house out (best to play at night also) playing in the dark makes obvious hiding places not so. Then one person hides while everyone else counts to 60 then you go looking for the hidden person. The twist is when you find them you quietly "disappear" hiding with them until the last person is left to find everyone hiding.
Okay, so back to our night of sardines. Andrew and Kathlena being a little frightened of a dark house I decided to give them small glow sticks to carry while they searched so they could "see" better and feel more secure about walking through a dark house. Mommy hid first and was met with lots of giggles and fun when found by the boys first. After playing for a while J.Michael hid and Andrew began following Emily some as well as searching on his own. Kathlena and I found J.Michael first and hid with him (Kathlena is a great hider...so quiet, a few times I thought she had fallen asleep, but no, just quiet). A long time passes and Emily stumbles upon us leaving only Andrew to find us. We could see him come near by the light of his glow stick, but not close enough to find us. We began to hear him call for Emily which quickly revealed he knew she had now found us too and that he was alone. His voice betraying his nervous emotions made my heart leap to scoop him up, but my spirit said wait. A few minutes later he comes in and he finds us. "I found you!" He was excited and grabs hold of me tightly saying "Mommy, I thought I had lost you, Andrew was crying for you(inside he did not do this aloud) and so sad as you were lost to me. I never want you to be lost to me because I love you so much."
It broke my heart but then I was quickly reminded that this was a safe way for him to deal with fear and experience being lost in the safety of our own home. We talked about how brave he was and what to do if you get lost somewhere. We also discussed staying close to Mommy in busy places so you do not get lost...only now with a better understanding of being lost. I realize I could have consoled him only and stopped the game giving into his fears and training him to avoid such situations in life, but instead chose to take the opportunity to speak truth into his heart about being brave, courageous and pressing on when he meets difficult circumstances. I could also have allowed his past to color my response, but instead as I am growing in my biblical understanding of parenting, I am purposely focusing on training the character of the man he will one day become by speaking the truth of Christ's faithfulness and power to overcome (Ephesians 6:10-11, 16) life's struggles. Viewing these struggles as stepping stones towards a deeper understanding of our need to rely on the Lord not man's wisdom, but the authority of the Word of God for all things pertaining to our life on this earth. Andrew's name means "Mighty Man" and each day as I pray for our children I pray that the Lord would raise up my sons to be mighty men for the Lord's kingdom. I didn't set out to train on this issue as we played our game of Sardines, but I was admonished by the Lord that in all we do we are training; teachable moments are constantly at our feet for the taking. A simple child's game, Sardines, who would have thought it could have had such a big lesson?

Adoption, Language Development and Homeschooling

I have found a common thread throughout my research on IA (internationally adopted) children and language development. Most if not all of the research and expert advise in language development are based on children being placed in the government school system at the age of 5. Most of what I have read points to the difficulty of newly adopted IA kids coming into the schools without enough time to have a proficiency of the language to proceed in academics by the "normal" track thus requiring specialized care in the system. Many of these language development articles point to how you can get your kids labeled correctly in the system i.e. understanding your kids MA (mental age) vs. LA (language age)-new term being coined for IA kids in the school system who in the past have been mislabeled with younger MA but no true cognitive delays only speech/communication, but in time they catch up only it is hard to shake the MA label once it is attached. The most glaring remedy for all of these issues to me is simply....HOMESCHOOL. Even if it is only for the first year. Homeschooling gives the extra years without the labels plus it fosters the family life over institutional life in a government school. The additional time with family can only continue to reinforce attachment without introducing new people who will have 40 plus hours a week with your child.

Interesting to me are the assessments made about children in orphanages with large age-related peer groups and few caretakers as one of the main reasons for language delay yet, this is the situation in our government schools today and at ever increasing hours a day. Children grouped by age and in ever increasing numbers to one or two adults according to this study results in language development delays. "No matter how caring or well-equipped an orphanage appears to be, placing a large number of children in the care of a few adults is a recipe for delayed language".-Orphanage Care and Language While I realize for many children a stable loving family is a huge factor in making up for delays I can't help but think that increasing the number of hours with that family would have exponential results especially in the first year.